untitled: Vanilla Sky Moment

DISCLAIMER: this is really annoyingly drawn out and long, please dont waste your time reading it, i promise it's not that interesting or witty as usual. Sorry :(

Description is my canvas, my outlet, my voice in conveying the way my mind evolves on it's self... I can write all day about a single memory, or the detail of something simple that most people don't give a second glance to. But this feeling that engulfs me, overwhelms me and overtakes me is even for me indescribable. 

Here and there for thousands of horizons on end I've said to a few selects of my reservations at the restaurants of insanity. I've valet parked, walked the glamor of it's entrance and been enticed to believe that I belong here, for whatever reason... 

I say enticed- but really it's just years of self conviction, just thought I'd cue for a little honesty there. 

I've only sat ever on the waiting list, though. Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to cancel, for someone to call my number- it's 1013... they are no where close... staring at the menu wondering which dish of gluttonous insanity will be set in front of me to devour in one swealthy sitting... I'm a pig. I could slowly indulge in it's glorious overtaking of me- perhaps even take it to-go and save some for later, but I wont. In my mind I would like to think I would- but hey, like I said I'm being honest here.

No self control.

I mean look at me, I've been sitting in this lounge waiting for my number to be pulled to the top for about 11 years now and have scored up a bill of martinis even Donatella Versace would be ashamed of. Not to mention the healthy appetizer of diseased disorder that I order upon myself for a couple years now. Good choice Kindra, fantastic choice! Way to choose the hardest thing to ever overcome. That was smart, stupid idiot of a girl.

I'm a self made disaster. And there's only going to be a place setting for one at this table, I swear it. That is the one consistent thing I have maintained in this life. I will not, absolutely refuse, to entangle someone else in my web of crazy. No one deserves that. Not even the lowliest of my ex-boyfriends that I have let loose over time. I know that by inviting someone else to accompany me on this journey of insanity that I have paved in front of me, that I am also foraging their signature on a contract of hidden fees and services that entails lots and lots of emotional pain. Nope, no one deserves that. 

One of my favorite quotes of my own: "I don't mean to go all, Walk to Remember on you, but PLEASE do not fall in love with me..." Figures that I said that to my now ex of the longest relationship I've ever carried. Haha.

ANYWAY sitting here tonight I've realized something... I'm not insane... I'm not going insane, although, in all honesty I sometime wish I were because it would be so much simpler... I just have this unexplainable pressure built up in my temples, this hand reaching over my mouth deciding when I can breath, and when I can choke. This haze that lives in the backs of my eyelids, and this grip that squeezes my brain sometimes till it wants to pop out my ears. This weight lives strapped to my shoulders and shackles that cling to my ankles hindering the movement my body is allowed. Tears flow, pain follows, and sleep takes over. I don't really know for sure what it is, but I have a pretty good idea. 

Problem is, I don't have the means to fix it... Realizing all of this tonight, I figure I've been waiting for my number to be called all this time, when it probably wont at all... what kind of demented person sits around waiting to go insane? Almost impatiently waiting for the moment to strike them down and own them. I would be astonished, but I knew a long time ago that I was fucked up. 

I'm in the wrong place... but I think I'll leave after one last drink... yes I'll just have one more drink.