untitled: Vanilla Sky Moment

DISCLAIMER: this is really annoyingly drawn out and long, please dont waste your time reading it, i promise it's not that interesting or witty as usual. Sorry :(

Description is my canvas, my outlet, my voice in conveying the way my mind evolves on it's self... I can write all day about a single memory, or the detail of something simple that most people don't give a second glance to. But this feeling that engulfs me, overwhelms me and overtakes me is even for me indescribable. 

Here and there for thousands of horizons on end I've said to a few selects of my reservations at the restaurants of insanity. I've valet parked, walked the glamor of it's entrance and been enticed to believe that I belong here, for whatever reason... 

I say enticed- but really it's just years of self conviction, just thought I'd cue for a little honesty there. 

I've only sat ever on the waiting list, though. Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to cancel, for someone to call my number- it's 1013... they are no where close... staring at the menu wondering which dish of gluttonous insanity will be set in front of me to devour in one swealthy sitting... I'm a pig. I could slowly indulge in it's glorious overtaking of me- perhaps even take it to-go and save some for later, but I wont. In my mind I would like to think I would- but hey, like I said I'm being honest here.

No self control.

I mean look at me, I've been sitting in this lounge waiting for my number to be pulled to the top for about 11 years now and have scored up a bill of martinis even Donatella Versace would be ashamed of. Not to mention the healthy appetizer of diseased disorder that I order upon myself for a couple years now. Good choice Kindra, fantastic choice! Way to choose the hardest thing to ever overcome. That was smart, stupid idiot of a girl.

I'm a self made disaster. And there's only going to be a place setting for one at this table, I swear it. That is the one consistent thing I have maintained in this life. I will not, absolutely refuse, to entangle someone else in my web of crazy. No one deserves that. Not even the lowliest of my ex-boyfriends that I have let loose over time. I know that by inviting someone else to accompany me on this journey of insanity that I have paved in front of me, that I am also foraging their signature on a contract of hidden fees and services that entails lots and lots of emotional pain. Nope, no one deserves that. 

One of my favorite quotes of my own: "I don't mean to go all, Walk to Remember on you, but PLEASE do not fall in love with me..." Figures that I said that to my now ex of the longest relationship I've ever carried. Haha.

ANYWAY sitting here tonight I've realized something... I'm not insane... I'm not going insane, although, in all honesty I sometime wish I were because it would be so much simpler... I just have this unexplainable pressure built up in my temples, this hand reaching over my mouth deciding when I can breath, and when I can choke. This haze that lives in the backs of my eyelids, and this grip that squeezes my brain sometimes till it wants to pop out my ears. This weight lives strapped to my shoulders and shackles that cling to my ankles hindering the movement my body is allowed. Tears flow, pain follows, and sleep takes over. I don't really know for sure what it is, but I have a pretty good idea. 

Problem is, I don't have the means to fix it... Realizing all of this tonight, I figure I've been waiting for my number to be called all this time, when it probably wont at all... what kind of demented person sits around waiting to go insane? Almost impatiently waiting for the moment to strike them down and own them. I would be astonished, but I knew a long time ago that I was fucked up. 

I'm in the wrong place... but I think I'll leave after one last drink... yes I'll just have one more drink.

Question of the Day:

Where is home...?

"Saved by Grace - Destroyed by Nievity"

I feel so behind with all of this... It seems to me that if I don't make the time to post daily everything piles up so deeply in the crevices of skull that it takes extra effort to extract those thoughts. It's no help that the gadgets of my brain have been working overtime. But they are starting to grind and wear on each other so here's my attempt to get as much out as possible it one fell swoop:

I've been involved lately with one of those awkward times in life where you feel like you are in a complete standstill- yet your falling uncontrollably fast... Fast down into a hole that you seemed to have missed the sign informing you on where it was going to spit you out.

Funny, now that I write it down, that sounds quite a bit like Alice- which is only fitting with the movie making it's debut shortly.

Anyhow, the past weeks with the move to California have been an indescribable roller coaster of stationary emoting. The thrill of the move, the excitement of new things, places, people and adventure put me on one of my manic highs where I feel like I can do no wrong.

WRONG. I like to prove this to myself best when I get these highs... it's pretty much a hobby of mine.

So then the lows came flooding in... I don't really know what you know or care to posses knowledge about me and my emotions- but in short: Manic Depressant sums up those things. I've made a lot of really bad decisions in my days but this last one has really effected me in a different way than the rest...

The first days I got to California were horrid. I had bad decisions nipping at my heels, and weighing on my mind. So what's the best way to cope with these situations? Hibernation of course! So I slept. I pretty much never got out of bed... If I did I didn't leave N&J's house. I had no real reason to get out and about, and had all the reason to stay under the covers where I didn't have to face the world that was still revolving uncontrollably around me.

Somehow in my sick twisted mind I hope when I get like this that the world will eventually forget about me and move on and forget about the problems I have caused it.

Well Hidey-Hoe that's not how it works, now is it?

I knew I needed to mend some fences, and more than that- fix myself. There is no way in HELL that I can survive out in Califonia, 1200 miles from the goodness and stability of my family, unless I do.

So here's the challenge I've laid out in front of myself with my situation. With this move I have not only proved to physically move the furthest from my family I've ever been, but I've also realized that I personally am the furthest from God that I may have been in my entire life... that my friends, is terrifying... and that is why I have been hiding under my covers.

For a while now I've known that my walk wasn't hand in hand like it should be, but I never realized how much I was really walking alone until my shit hit the fan.

I know- that facing this industry without his guidance is suicide.

I know- that making decisions to please myself has been slowly and silently killing me.

I know- that in order to be the best I can be, I need him.

And I know- that I have a lot of work and changes to start that process to develop myself back into the person that I know I can be. 

I want to radiate God's grace, love and mercy. I want to have faith in his plan for me. I want him to be the center of my decisions and actions. And I want him to be the reason for my being. Because frankly, when I try to be just to be me- it's not worth it.

So that's where I've been mentally. Physically I've come back to Texas for a surprise visit to the family and to mentally reinstate and focus myself. I'm leaving back to California this afternoon with a plan of action and a determination that cannot be toppled.

Here's to a new beginning.