Worth

Bizarre, simply bizarre. A concept so simple yet so broad that when I straddle my legs around the idea they shake from exasperation. My brain collapses in mush most nights from the thoughts that boil repeatedly until nothing of substance stands in the brew pot of my mind anymore. Sleep swiftly follows- but tonight this thought of worth could not seem to simmer down. So I'm up- writing this nonsense to try to yield it from my heavy head so it might lay slightly lightly on my pillowcase.

Pennies, dimes, dollar bills; Stocks, lives, and the risk of thrills... What is it worth? Is it worth it? What am I worth, and also- am I worth it? Depreciation occurs from time to dime. There are single moments in my history that I can recall my own stocks rising and crashing in their worth within the universe, or at least in personal venue.

Rendering something desirable, useful, or of value.

What makes anything worth what it is? Is it ultimately our own personal perspective?

If you see a penny on the ground- let's say head's up, for our luck driven onlookers- do you expel the energy to bend down, and pick it up? Some would say "Yes, a penny earned is a penny gained." Others would feel like it was a waste of energy for just one single penny that in our day in age is hardly worth anything. Now if it's a quarter...? The stakes go up- because more people find more worth in quarters than pennies.

With risk, relationships, and people the waters get muddled. Everyone has their own opinion of the worth of anything that is being presented- and if they feel different from you in these opinions how could you even plead a case to them? You can string your views together making a net in your defense to try to catch them- but at the end of the day they still might swim free of your efforts.

These thoughts have all been provoked from two statements:
"I'm not worth your time..." & "You're worth more than I could ever give you."

Is it fair or reasonable that any person can try to make the ultimate judgement on what your value of their worth in your life is?

Check, Mate.

(Written Spring 2010, Prublished Summer 2011)

Chess: Two opposing sides of 'men' both eagerly awaiting movement to execute chaos and reaction. So quickly the tables can turn in this game of thought, movement, and strategy.

Pawn, Rook, Bishop, Knight, Queen & King...

confined to a playing board where one wrong move can be the end of your rule. 

Chess forces the receptors of our brains to devise plans and solve problems. Make a strategy, stay focused, and remain patiently waiting as your opponent does the same. Chess has been related to life quite often, but earlier today I nonchalantly referenced chess- to love. It was an innocent statement:

"If love is a game of chess- you just put me in check."

Simple- little depth, but not much. I more liked the way it sounded than what it meant... well at first.

As my mind so often does, it started to wander in and out of the consonants and vowels of the statement I had constructed. I allowed my feet to stumble through the paths of my thought process. My toes wanted to delve into the crevices of the thick grass of it's every possible meaning. Cool, unknown, almost uncomfortably moist, but refreshing. Could my subconscious pen have written something deeper than even I could comprehend? A moment of vulnerability flooded my upper body. "Curb this- get your feet out! Stop thinking for once and sit still!!" the mother: my mind yelled at the child: my lower appendages. So I sat. An emotional bench, if you will, of protection. Toes curled up, just to tease the tips of the green blades of glorious ungrazed carpeting. 

I think a lot.

Too much in fact.

And many times when I catch myself thinking about particular things, I force myself to stop it.

Love Does Not Exist- not for me at least...

well that's at least what I've been brainwashing myself to believe.

I see it in other people all around me. True, undoubted, undying love and devotion. My sister and her husband, my parents who have wrangled a mere 33 years together, best friends... the list continues... but not for me. 

I love in a different way: I'm quite good at it too, spreading my love around and making people happy. But making just ONE person happy for the rest of FOREVER seems beyond my scope. We will tire of each other! Exhausted with this single game we are playing for the remainder of our days! It's like a game of risk that just WILL NOT CEASE! 

.. . . . . ........right?

Oh no... 

the toes,

are heading back into the grass...

For my own good, 

I'm thinking:

I need to continue-

on this journey of reason and rhyme.

"If love is a game of chess- you just put me in check."

In context the back story of this comment is reasonably important: 

         I was having a conversation with a friend of mine and he was trying to win me over in some way or another. He said something that I liked and I said this... He then responded with me by saying "Well then I guess all I have to do is seal the deal then, huh?" At the sound of this I kind of did a mini freak out session, like I do best. And responded to him by saying something to the effect of "No I have layers of protection that have my back and will protect me from you! 

Pawns! Rooks! Bishops, Knights, and my QUEEN! 

You will never catch me, never check mate me. I've built these walls to keep you [and everyone] out." 

 I don't believe in love. I just can't allow myself to do that.

Battered & Bruised

We are all battered & bruised with our baggage & brain damage;

but someone- somewhere,

will love every inch of whatever mess we are."

-kindra starr mchenry

New Avenue

Most of my followers on here know at least the general outline of the past year of my life. Things have been hard and I haven't caught very many breaks. Well the past two days have been a complete 180 from what I've grown accustomed to. By God's Grace in the past two days I've gotten TWO jobs in Los Angeles. Both of which are avenues I want to pursue. The first is a Dance Teaching job at a studio here locally. The studio is a small version of what my ultimate life goal is so it's going to be amazing getting to watch, learn, and grow in my ideas, inspiration, and inception of my own dream. I imagine having an entire academy of the arts with acting, singing, dancing, modeling, and music, ect. The studio I am now employed at has dancing, music, singing, and acting. I am so thrilled and excited about this opportunity. The owner was amazing, and I think she is going to be a big blessing for me in the future with guidance, tutoring, and teaching me along the way. The most exciting thing about this job is that I not only get to pick my schedule time wise, I also get to decide WHAT classes I WANT to teach. It's phenomenal. I'm so stoked...

The second job is scouting new talent for a Management company here in LA. My experience with iPOP! is what I think landed me this job solely... The interviewer kept asking me "how old are you??? and you've accomplished all this...?" It was the first time in my life where I felt like the past year of my life had been worth something, and it seemed as though I had been working towards this ultimate goal the whole time.  This job is going to be a challenge for me. I have to make a certain quota a day/15 days to maintain my salary and it's a lot of footwork and convincing random strangers that I'm legit. Today was my first day, and it was fairly overwhelming. I was feeling down and out, but decided ALL JOBS suck the first week, you have to figure out how to make it work for you. It was my first day for goodness sakes- and I think I need to cut myself some slack. I think when I get in the swing of things that this will be a great experience. It will also teach me how to be super extroverted and with having to talk to so many people daily I can't imagine the people God is going to bring into my life, networking wise, planting his seed wise, just teaching me wise. I'm excited for this new avenue I'm embarking.

I feel blind folded, but completely trust that my lead wont allow me to trip and fatally fall. Tripping, stumbling, and having to regain composure is expected... I mean... this is life, is it not? So bring it. It wont be the first time- I'll just dust myself up and keep going.

Conventional Relationships...

Sticky floor.Velvet seats, arm rest on side, to- eyes yield across, side. One side of the stage drapes tension, the other hung swooningly is terror.

And thus the night began:
The playbill is your only key to a hint for the show that will bestow upon you. When I open it for a peek before the show begins there are a series of stats, percentages, and character mock-ups. The key players are put into light, so that we may understand the show a little better...

This playbill, my playbill reads of many clinical situations and statistics. These two stand out the most.

• 51% of marriages end in divorce.

• 100% of marriages require sacrifice and compromise to be successful. 

The curtains are drawn and the plot proceeds.

I'm from the south. The southern ideal is to get married, settle down and have a family. I, am no southern bell- much to my mothers dismay, I might add. I can't tell you how many times my mom has hinted, or straight up asked me when I was going to get married already.

There is so much pressure to accomplish these goals in my family, and I- Kindra Starr McHenry do not see myself ever living any aspect of my life in a conventional manner. I've been there, done that- got the tee-shirt. (No really I have a tee-shirt...) and I have no interest in ever going back to that place, because it JUST WASN'T ME.

 I was having a long discussion about all this with my best friend earlier tonight and I came to an epic realization: I have no desire to ever get married, or even be in a conventional relationship.

on that note, I will write more tomorrow. :)

Who Inspires you?

My mom inspires me, I know, I know cliche... but really. She has accomplished a great feat that I set out to do myself. She has overcome massive challenging obstacles that have tried to hinder her walk with God, and she has found an amazing balance to life where she has outlets to exercise all of her talents and gifts. There is nothing that I wish and strive for more in life than to accomplish both of these things. My mom is an amazing woman, and if I am a fraction of what she is I will be satisfied. :)

Ask me anything

Life's not fair.

The past few days have been especially difficult for me and many of the comrades I've known for years from my High School.

Roland Espinoza had a light that found few and far between the majority of people I've ran across in this lifetime. His smile beamed, and his silly antics kept everyone rolling around giggling even when we were all about to get in masses of trouble. He was smart, cute, and an amazing friend to many.

There were a few people from my class of 2007 that seemed to bind the entire class together into one group and Roland was one of those key people. He was friends with everyone, never caused drama and always was there to ease the tension.

It was not too long ago that I saw him for the first time in a while since Graduation day. I randomly decided to pop into a party in Austin with some old High School acquaintances were. When I walked through the door Roland was standing there huge smile, and a hug waiting. He genuinely cared- he genuinely wanted to be friends with everyone.

The East Central Class of 2006, and 2007 have been exposed to death all too much. The human instinct in me wants to scream at the top of my lungs that it's not fair, that all too many GOOD, AMAZING people have been taken all too soon from us.

Carlos Moran, deserved to attend his jr. and sr. prom, deserved to walk the stage at graduation, deserved the mountain tops... RIP Carlos, you're missed by us all still now and still forever. I love you, and your words have saved me in many more ways than you could know. I know you're always with me, and I know you have been my guardian angel both before you left this earth and now. Thank you for everything- if I could trade you spaces you know I would.

Sara Strey, was the sweetest girl everyone knew. I didn't know her particularly personally, but what I do know of her is nothing but greatness.

Roland... oh Ro... you are deeply missed. By SOO many people. I can't believe you're gone.

It's just not fair... life's just not fair.