Deprivation

A look of disbelief creeps through the centers of the eyes... pupil--- to the whites change in a way that can only be explained with intensity. The outsides of the eyelids tighten... Jaw loosens slightly to allow a small shaped 'o' accumulate. As I continue to discuss childhood each word that pours from my tongue seems to make my audiences eyes widen into circled 'o's to match the mouth. If I could pause time in this instance to draw on your face I would. PAUSE: I would make pretty perfect circles on your lips, eyes, cheeks, nose, maybe three on the fore-of-you-head just for shits and giggles. Then you would look as ridiculous as I feel you look for reacting like this to what I'm telling you... Growing up, and even to this day- when I tell people about my childhood the usual reaction goes generally as noted above promptly followed by some sort of structured sentence including the word DEPRIVED. Before I continue, let us take a little field trip to the library and look up the technical meaning of this jumble of consanents and nouns so commonly used in the description of my youth... side note: mmmmmm the smell of books. "Deprived: Marked by deprivation especially of the necessities of life or healthful environmental influences." and even better another describes it as: "Lacking in advantage, opportunity, or experience." So what in the HECK could I be saying to all these separately associated people throughout the years that would give them all this impression... I'll give you some hints for what it's not... It's not that... -family couldn't afford food or shelter or clothing... -I came from a broken family and/or there was a link missing... -I didn't get to travel and experience lots of things... So what on earth could these Americanized Humans be referring to?!?! Ah... Cable TV and Game Systms... Yup that's right mr./mrs. 'O' face I grew up with no Cable or any sort of video games. And honestly I think I'm better off because of it. You see I have this theory... I think because my sisters and I grew up "lacking" these things from our households it forced us to develope mad imaginations and a love for reading that many people from this generation are simply put: missing completely from the innerds of their skulls. My imagination is so vivid that I picture things happening as they happen and I can view complete scenes that I'm imagining that were sparked from something tiny that happened in my day. So really... I think deprived is the furthest word from the truth... I think I'm completely and utterly BLESSED to have grown up without those things. They have shaped me into the intensively creative monster that I am, and I would not want to be any other way. So stick that in your "o" mouth and suck it.

Thoughts in a coffee shop:

If I can't Love me- then how do I expect to Let You?! Someday I will be the gray-haired dame sipping on words from the paper and digesting coffee and pastries. Contemplating- the long lost suitors who had once fallen for my young charms and wondering, "where they had all gone?" I will remain in loneliness. It's funny to me in a tragic way because I can see it all so clearly unfolding before my eyes. Hind-sight is 20/20 but my future seems 20/19. I can see it all happening. I can see myself deconstructing every ounce of potential you have in my eyes. I am easily amused, yet constantly distracted. Positivity radiates from my smile and actions YET- adding someone extra to the equation seems to inevitably weigh me down. Ball and Chain seems imminent to me. So eager to find love, just to have the opportunity to tear it to shreds. I cannot love myself. Years of self inflicted abuse and neglect have ruined me in this area. Such loving parents: Such a stable family: How did I end up so effed up? It has been years since I have taken the time, energy, and focus to write. I miss you outlet. My left hand holds delicately and slides eagerly across the page. My hand tires trying to maintain speed with my brain. Pain, calluses- unimportant side effects of this drug. These thoughts must escape me- suppressed too long they are flooding... rushing... running wild... Momentary Honesty bestows me. It's been a while. Hello Me :) Hello Beautiful demented little twisted ol' me... We should do this more often :) Priceless: this random man just passed by me smiled and said "Your head is about to explode isn't it?" Why YES SIR IT ISSS!... KA BOOOOOM! :)

Mind of Movement & Movies

Part of my manic sort of attention deffest mind thrives on observing life and movement of people and their surroundings as if it were a movie. Maybe others can't connect with the feeling, but I get so excited when my windshield wipers sync to the rhythm of a song, or I hit a dip in the road just as a symbol crashes. Simple pleasures, but they brighten my day indeed. Being a dancer I used to mainly picture life as a musical, or music video but lately I've been viewing it in more of a cinematic standpoint. "People walk. Cold hallways. Heads Down Please. Why sure, society! I'll place my head down in obedience. Don't mind me. Don't mind my eyes that reach upwards to observe what you have to offer. I see you. You cannot hide from me. I can read you like a book with my head down so you don't suspect. Like a sleuth. OH! This is getting juicy... Tantalizing details that all too often are overlooked. You and your details tell me everything. The possibility that I know you better than you're own mother, father, and best mate is more than either of us would like to recognize. You see. I see. Your problem. And while most would sit back and enjoy the show, watch you crash and burn for entertainment- I cannot. I was not made that way. Though most of the time I wish I were. You see, sweet Je-amie, I cannot see your face but your cuts and bruises ring loud and clear. Knuckles red, scars fresher than makeup could cover. I wont meet you eye to eye. It will only cloud my judgment of the situation- like everyone elses view of you. No, I'm here for a greater purpose. Keep your haze. Give me your hand. Heads down please. We have work to be done." This is an idea based on concept for a movie to be shot using little to no faces only cinematic shots of body language and movement to illustrate what really is going on. The main premises is that the narrator/main character can read people's body language to a tee and helps people she runs across with depression, relationship, whatever types of problems. Well the narrator runs into Je-amie who she can instantly read as a major case who is bulimic, and cuts herself. All of the efforts of the narrator go to helping her out, Je-amie had been playing this game for a long time, hiding from people, not trusting anyone or letting them know the read her. The narrator persists- with extreme consequences resulting in it- I think that if I could make this movie exactly how I wanted to it would be mainly narration of her thoughts and processes but there would have to be some dialogue between her and je-amie at some points...

Sisters

The selfish sister- the youngest of all, Following in shadows, terrified to fall. She put her claim on me quick! and never let go. I was always first pick to her and it showed. But then... We grew older- or rather she did, And boys became better... as little sister hid.

I wanted that friend. That bond we had known. But I couldn't compete. My sister had grown. Never again--- as close. Never again--- like when we were young.

Still thinking about it whips wind from my lung.

I love her so dearly, I miss her so much! But I see things clearly- We will stay out of touch. My sister and I had always been extremely close growing up. I remember the phase where she started like boys and wanted to talk on the phone rather than play barbies with me. It broke my heart, and so of course in best little sister style I attempted to annoy her as much as possible :).

I thought that those years were the trying years... WOW, how the scope of things changes with age.

We have both made our mistakes and have come together just to fall a bit back apart at times but one thing never changes. I love my sister more than anything. She is, and will always be the largest influence on my life and my best friend. I wrote this poem a while back while we were in the midst of a feud that was in cause by me. In placing a boyfriend before our relationship and my sister moving to California it seemed like things would never be mended. Three years later when I received news that she would be moving back I knew some personal changes needed to be made. She has been back now for about eight months and things have been better than ever. Of course that's not where the story gets to end... With recent news of my relocation to California (YA! WHERE SHE JUST CAME BACK FROM!!!) This poem still seems to ring true, but in a different light. Oh, circle of life- you're sense of humor annoys me at times.

Hunger for.

So I had those word magnets on my fridge for a good year and never used them, and then in an attempt to delay the packing process I decided to make something out of them. They were all words that had to do with diet, so using what I had this is what I came up with:

Sip Desire, Burn Calories,

Expect love to pepper your portion.

Stay over in delicious denial.

A lean splurge to Satisfy. Wait. Down the fruit of body energy handles- Toast me, Butter and Bite!