"Saved by Grace - Destroyed by Nievity"

I feel so behind with all of this... It seems to me that if I don't make the time to post daily everything piles up so deeply in the crevices of skull that it takes extra effort to extract those thoughts. It's no help that the gadgets of my brain have been working overtime. But they are starting to grind and wear on each other so here's my attempt to get as much out as possible it one fell swoop:

I've been involved lately with one of those awkward times in life where you feel like you are in a complete standstill- yet your falling uncontrollably fast... Fast down into a hole that you seemed to have missed the sign informing you on where it was going to spit you out.

Funny, now that I write it down, that sounds quite a bit like Alice- which is only fitting with the movie making it's debut shortly.

Anyhow, the past weeks with the move to California have been an indescribable roller coaster of stationary emoting. The thrill of the move, the excitement of new things, places, people and adventure put me on one of my manic highs where I feel like I can do no wrong.

WRONG. I like to prove this to myself best when I get these highs... it's pretty much a hobby of mine.

So then the lows came flooding in... I don't really know what you know or care to posses knowledge about me and my emotions- but in short: Manic Depressant sums up those things. I've made a lot of really bad decisions in my days but this last one has really effected me in a different way than the rest...

The first days I got to California were horrid. I had bad decisions nipping at my heels, and weighing on my mind. So what's the best way to cope with these situations? Hibernation of course! So I slept. I pretty much never got out of bed... If I did I didn't leave N&J's house. I had no real reason to get out and about, and had all the reason to stay under the covers where I didn't have to face the world that was still revolving uncontrollably around me.

Somehow in my sick twisted mind I hope when I get like this that the world will eventually forget about me and move on and forget about the problems I have caused it.

Well Hidey-Hoe that's not how it works, now is it?

I knew I needed to mend some fences, and more than that- fix myself. There is no way in HELL that I can survive out in Califonia, 1200 miles from the goodness and stability of my family, unless I do.

So here's the challenge I've laid out in front of myself with my situation. With this move I have not only proved to physically move the furthest from my family I've ever been, but I've also realized that I personally am the furthest from God that I may have been in my entire life... that my friends, is terrifying... and that is why I have been hiding under my covers.

For a while now I've known that my walk wasn't hand in hand like it should be, but I never realized how much I was really walking alone until my shit hit the fan.

I know- that facing this industry without his guidance is suicide.

I know- that making decisions to please myself has been slowly and silently killing me.

I know- that in order to be the best I can be, I need him.

And I know- that I have a lot of work and changes to start that process to develop myself back into the person that I know I can be. 

I want to radiate God's grace, love and mercy. I want to have faith in his plan for me. I want him to be the center of my decisions and actions. And I want him to be the reason for my being. Because frankly, when I try to be just to be me- it's not worth it.

So that's where I've been mentally. Physically I've come back to Texas for a surprise visit to the family and to mentally reinstate and focus myself. I'm leaving back to California this afternoon with a plan of action and a determination that cannot be toppled.

Here's to a new beginning.