Check, Mate.

(Written Spring 2010, Prublished Summer 2011)

Chess: Two opposing sides of 'men' both eagerly awaiting movement to execute chaos and reaction. So quickly the tables can turn in this game of thought, movement, and strategy.

Pawn, Rook, Bishop, Knight, Queen & King...

confined to a playing board where one wrong move can be the end of your rule. 

Chess forces the receptors of our brains to devise plans and solve problems. Make a strategy, stay focused, and remain patiently waiting as your opponent does the same. Chess has been related to life quite often, but earlier today I nonchalantly referenced chess- to love. It was an innocent statement:

"If love is a game of chess- you just put me in check."

Simple- little depth, but not much. I more liked the way it sounded than what it meant... well at first.

As my mind so often does, it started to wander in and out of the consonants and vowels of the statement I had constructed. I allowed my feet to stumble through the paths of my thought process. My toes wanted to delve into the crevices of the thick grass of it's every possible meaning. Cool, unknown, almost uncomfortably moist, but refreshing. Could my subconscious pen have written something deeper than even I could comprehend? A moment of vulnerability flooded my upper body. "Curb this- get your feet out! Stop thinking for once and sit still!!" the mother: my mind yelled at the child: my lower appendages. So I sat. An emotional bench, if you will, of protection. Toes curled up, just to tease the tips of the green blades of glorious ungrazed carpeting. 

I think a lot.

Too much in fact.

And many times when I catch myself thinking about particular things, I force myself to stop it.

Love Does Not Exist- not for me at least...

well that's at least what I've been brainwashing myself to believe.

I see it in other people all around me. True, undoubted, undying love and devotion. My sister and her husband, my parents who have wrangled a mere 33 years together, best friends... the list continues... but not for me. 

I love in a different way: I'm quite good at it too, spreading my love around and making people happy. But making just ONE person happy for the rest of FOREVER seems beyond my scope. We will tire of each other! Exhausted with this single game we are playing for the remainder of our days! It's like a game of risk that just WILL NOT CEASE! 

.. . . . . ........right?

Oh no... 

the toes,

are heading back into the grass...

For my own good, 

I'm thinking:

I need to continue-

on this journey of reason and rhyme.

"If love is a game of chess- you just put me in check."

In context the back story of this comment is reasonably important: 

         I was having a conversation with a friend of mine and he was trying to win me over in some way or another. He said something that I liked and I said this... He then responded with me by saying "Well then I guess all I have to do is seal the deal then, huh?" At the sound of this I kind of did a mini freak out session, like I do best. And responded to him by saying something to the effect of "No I have layers of protection that have my back and will protect me from you! 

Pawns! Rooks! Bishops, Knights, and my QUEEN! 

You will never catch me, never check mate me. I've built these walls to keep you [and everyone] out." 

 I don't believe in love. I just can't allow myself to do that.

Battered & Bruised

We are all battered & bruised with our baggage & brain damage;

but someone- somewhere,

will love every inch of whatever mess we are."

-kindra starr mchenry

New Avenue

Most of my followers on here know at least the general outline of the past year of my life. Things have been hard and I haven't caught very many breaks. Well the past two days have been a complete 180 from what I've grown accustomed to. By God's Grace in the past two days I've gotten TWO jobs in Los Angeles. Both of which are avenues I want to pursue. The first is a Dance Teaching job at a studio here locally. The studio is a small version of what my ultimate life goal is so it's going to be amazing getting to watch, learn, and grow in my ideas, inspiration, and inception of my own dream. I imagine having an entire academy of the arts with acting, singing, dancing, modeling, and music, ect. The studio I am now employed at has dancing, music, singing, and acting. I am so thrilled and excited about this opportunity. The owner was amazing, and I think she is going to be a big blessing for me in the future with guidance, tutoring, and teaching me along the way. The most exciting thing about this job is that I not only get to pick my schedule time wise, I also get to decide WHAT classes I WANT to teach. It's phenomenal. I'm so stoked...

The second job is scouting new talent for a Management company here in LA. My experience with iPOP! is what I think landed me this job solely... The interviewer kept asking me "how old are you??? and you've accomplished all this...?" It was the first time in my life where I felt like the past year of my life had been worth something, and it seemed as though I had been working towards this ultimate goal the whole time.  This job is going to be a challenge for me. I have to make a certain quota a day/15 days to maintain my salary and it's a lot of footwork and convincing random strangers that I'm legit. Today was my first day, and it was fairly overwhelming. I was feeling down and out, but decided ALL JOBS suck the first week, you have to figure out how to make it work for you. It was my first day for goodness sakes- and I think I need to cut myself some slack. I think when I get in the swing of things that this will be a great experience. It will also teach me how to be super extroverted and with having to talk to so many people daily I can't imagine the people God is going to bring into my life, networking wise, planting his seed wise, just teaching me wise. I'm excited for this new avenue I'm embarking.

I feel blind folded, but completely trust that my lead wont allow me to trip and fatally fall. Tripping, stumbling, and having to regain composure is expected... I mean... this is life, is it not? So bring it. It wont be the first time- I'll just dust myself up and keep going.