Live, Learn, & then Get Luvs...

      There comes a time in life when having a diaper bag attached to your hip is more dire than cellular phone or debt card. Motherhood. Previously notioned personally to consist of dollar signs, dark circles under heavy sleep deprived eyes and the horrid overpowering smell of light death- someone named it baby powder, I think? Poop filled pee drenched drool covered dreams of babies turned me off from the subject completely until one little man came waltzing into my life. Jack, oh Jack :) just typing his name and I can feel the outer lids of my eyes start to smile while my cheeks pull my lips to curl.
      I was the youngest of my biological siblings, my younger sister Ana was only a year younger than me so I never really experienced baby sitting or things of that sort, she has always just been my best friend and companion in chaos. I think that maybe this lineage had scaffed me into maternal hiding. It was so bad at one point a couple of years back that I asked my mom to pay for me to get my tubes tied for Christmas!!! Yeah, I had a seriously problem, trust me- she didn't hold back on that one haha.
      So I never baby sat, or really had any interaction with young children, ever... And then my older sister and her husband went and make a little miracle... Jack... hmmm :) Only six months in the mix of this incredibly overwhelming world and Jack has made a more dramatic influence on me than anyone else I can think of, except for my mother of course. I don't mean to undermine the relationships I have with everyone else by any means. Jack has just changed something inside of me that I can't explain.
      His reign on my heart actually began before he had ever experienced the light of day. Last winter was an extremely trying period for me and I was in a huge crater of depression. I remember zoning out in morning Austin traffic, I was at the Riverside exit when I snapped to in an instant with only a spare second to slam my bulleting car to a halt and avoid collision. I instantly started bawling, screaming, pounding on my steering wheel, yelling gibberish- I honestly don't know what I said but in my head I was thinking "I shouldn't have stopped I should have sped up, I wish I had wrecked, I need to get help, I wish I had crashed, I wish I had died...." My brain and body stopped simultaneously. (That almost never happens, in fact getting my brain to ever stop is a feat) In that very moment that I wished death upon myself I thought of baby Jack, in my sisters belly... ripening up like a watermelon, almost ready to thump with ripeness.
     My brain began thinking again... "It's not about me anymore, what kind of life would my nephew have if I wasn't in it, how would my death scar his childhood and my sister, mom, family and how they interacted with him, any influence I would ever have on him would be gone forever... I am so selfish, it's not about me anymore, I swear it."
     I can honestly say that in that instant I had only an eclipse of what kind of emotional impact Jack would have on me. Today, for the first time ever I played mommy for a day. I took Jack all by myself to his doctor's appointment in Austin and took care of him all on my own. I was nervous, I'm not going to lie, but all went well and it occurred to me driving home later how I was driving more cautiously, aware of his every move, and how I had beamed at every smile he gave out to passers by, or to any new development he had accomplished for the day.
     I know this feeling is only a smidgen of what I will feel for my own children someday, but for the first time in my life I can say: I Kindra Starr McHenry want to someday have children. Up until now I was unsure if I even had a clock, and now... it's faintly ticking. Next step? To find the right man that will wind me up to full speed- - - but we can take our time on that one :) thanks!

So with all of this realization the slogan for Luvs diapers has a whole new meaning for me... It's not talking about trial and error with experimenting with other brands of diapers... It's saying Live your life, learn from your mistakes and others, and then settle down and have a baby when you're good and ready. I think I'm still at that learning part. But we're moving forward.